Out of the Wings

El narciso en su opinión (1612-1615), Guillén de Castro

The Narcissist : ACT ONE Scene One

The Narcissist, translated by Kathleen Jeffs (née Mountjoy)

ACT ONE Scene One

Context:

This is the very beginning of the play. Gutierre is the 'Narcissist' from the title.

Sample text

Enter DON GUTIERRE and his lackey, TADEO.
GUTIERRE:: Did a page take the message
to my sister?
TADEO:: Imagining for the moment there are two of us,
your ‘other servant’ seems to be permanently engaged,
and left me to run that particular errand,
for I am, in suit and stature,
something in between a lackey and a page,
a servant-hermaphrodite.
GUTIERRE:: You’re something in between
an idiot and a fool.
TADEO:: Well, it’s not surprising.
GUTIERRE:: Let’s try … let’s try the new boots.
Ah, this style of shoe looks so good on me!
TADEO:: That style is famous for hiding
stubby bunions. Good thinking!
GUTIERRE:: What, you idiot? Do I have those?
TADEO:: No, Sir, your feet are silky-smooth.
(Aside.) Actually, on his massive flat feet
he has more corns than an old
nagging wife has complaints.
GUTIERRE:: This doublet is a godsend;
it fits me just right.
TADEO:: To be sure, but the stomach-piece
is quite generous around the middle,
which I fear harks back to the
fashion of another age.
GUTIERRE:: It’s ‘retro’, it’s supposed to.
TADEO:: Yes Sir, but don’t overdo it,
for there are those who say,
and I don’t think they’re wrong,
that to see a pregnant man
is not the most natural thing.
GUTIERRE:: Hold the mirror:
the collar is a bit too high.
TADEO:: On you it looks like something
a servant would wear,
because of the way it’s made.
GUTIERRE:: Lower the mirror, put it on the floor;
look how the breeches
match the garters.
TADEO:: It all comes together in a symphony.
GUTIERRE:: Oh Madrid, heaven on earth,
the perfect setting for
the shape and style
that nature has provided me
from head to toe!
How’s my hair?
TADEO:: Well hidden below the wig.
(Aside.) Which is just as well,
as it’s best you see what’s showing,
rather than what lies beneath.
GUTIERRE:: Does my moustache look good?
TADEO:: It looks good, but there is so much of it,
it’s a bit like a horse’s bridle.
GUTIERRE:: Give me that cape; and this hat,
is it not just at the height of fashion?
TADEO:: It’s the latest in Portuguese style.
GUTIERRE:: I want to see myself again.
TADEO:: You sure do like looking in the mirror.
GUTIERRE:: You know, no matter how low I am,
I just look in that mirror and it makes me feel
everything’s going to be okay.
TADEO: (Aside.): Here he goes again, his head’s in the clouds.
You do seem to look so happy in it.
GUTIERRE:: I was born under a happy star.
TADEO:: I fear something bad might happen,
if it’s true about the man they say
met the coldest possible death
after the most unhappy life;
the one they say was killed by drinking
nothing other than pure, clear water,
drowned after losing himself
in his own reflection in the pool.
GUTIERRE:: I get it: Narcissus.
I seriously doubt that really happened.
TADEO:: It could have.
GUTIERRE:: But I suppose given my own experience,
I might be able to believe it.
TADEO:: Then, have you had impulses like Narcissus?
GUTIERRE:: I’ve certainly become transfixed, and rightly so,
but I have more experience with water safety.
TADEO:: You should still be careful around pools.
GUTIERRE:: At the very least I do leave the mirror from time to time
to flee from annoying interruptions.
TADEO: (Aside.): He’s a goner.
So, tell me this,
how is it that a man can be
so in love with himself,
so on fire for himself,
he becomes clumsy with infatuation,
and is consumed with desire?
GUTIERRE:: That would be a shame,
but for me, when I look at myself
I am gladdened by the thought
that there could be a woman out there
who might look like me in every way.
TADEO:: Even if she was as beardy as you?
GUTIERRE:: She’d be a woman …
now you see what I am imagining
when I look in the mirror,
and why I said I have to leave it from time to time,
not that I really entertain the hope
of finding my soulmate, my female equivalent,
but it is why I take such care of myself
and why I love the mirror.
But put it down and give me …
TADEO:: Has there ever been such madness?
GUTIERRE:: … the little chain?
TADEO:: Here it is.
Yes, this will catch
even more eyes than your beauty.
GUTIERRE:: My ‘look’ is complete enough without it;
but it pains me to see
my neck without a chain
or my hand without a diamond.
TADEO:: You’re right about that;
for when falling in love,
that extra shine and sparkle
can really grab attention,
but if you start making gifts like that,
mind that you will be condemned to give out
a hundred chains a day,
a hundred diamonds an hour,
or all of Madrid will think you a miser,
and you’ll find so many occasions
to bestow them, they will leave you spent.
GUTIERRE:: I won’t do it like that, I have too much good taste,
and they will take from me that which, being more,
they know costs me less, that is, my looks,
and in that way, with a happy heart,
I’ll give the joy of my own jewels to many eyes,
and deny them to many hands.
TADEO:: Oh, how his sense of ‘fairness’ will
seem like pure selfishness!
It’s true that vanity and avarice
inspire nothing but repugnance.; Enter DON GONZALO.
GONZALO:: Cousin, time to tell you
it’s getting late; but why
am I surprised, when I know
you take an age to get dressed?
You look fabulous, by the way.
GUTIERRE:: Perhaps you are deceived.
GONZALO:: You look like you’ve been at court
for a thousand years.
GUTIERRE:: No, it is the work of a morning,
and it will be enough to
bring the court to its knees in admiration,
for we arrived last night,
and this morning, almost without looking for them,
I came across so many perfectly-fitting suits
I couldn’t count them all,
so I bought two, and they
are just the way I like them.
GONZALO:: Here you are so well turned-out,
that I suppose it ends the little contest
you and I had at court in Valencia,
even though we are fond cousins, of course.
GUTIERRE:: You do right to concede,
and change your mind and yield to me as to
which of us knows more about fashion.
GONZALO:: It’s a relief, actually,
because it’s pride, and even though that doesn’t matter,
what does is that as you’ll soon see,
I have a new competition for us at court
and I’ve already made my first moves.
TADEO:: What’s that? Are you serious?
GONZALO:: I have shared out a thousand doubloons
between four purses already.
TADEO:: Oh, look at you!
GONZALO:: And, with that little shortcut to victory,
I plan to ‘buy’ more favour,
on the cheap and with a lot less trouble.
GUTIERRE:: And just how do you expect
you’ll be able to ‘buy’ favour?
TADEO:: He’s turned the court into a market stall.
GONZALO:: I know I’ll be the victor,
but I want to see which one of us
can get more action in the court,
you as a treat for the eye
or me with the promise of cash;
but any offences will have to be excused,
if I am caught shopping for
the one you have your eye on.
GUTIERRE:: If you want to play it that way,
you’ll soon be disappointed.
TADEO:: If the game is on, I’ll do my part to help,
what a great bet!
You’ll be the victor,
even if he speaks as well as Cicero,
and becomes Narcissus in everyone’s opinion,
including his own.
He’s so confident! What self-delusion!
Here we have gold in Madrid,
and it’s edible, as it’s going straight
from his hand to my mouth.
Money qualifies estates,
wins hearts,
flatters souls,
and purifies bloodlines;
it is a mirror for ladies,
the antidote to malice,
tyrant of justice,
dispenser of all advice;
it is the idol of the people,
balm to all injuries,
reproach to gentlemen,
knife of the fearless,
shame to the discreet,
injury to honourable men,
abandonment of cares,
and cause of all effects;
it is radiant, it is beautiful,
it is the lowly and the high-born nobles,
it is energetic, it is brave,
it is valiant, it is powerful,
it is merciful and it is cruel,
it is friendly, and it is wheedling,
below the King, no one is
quite as good as it is;
but you, you can relax,
you will conquer more hearts
with the sound of two doubloons clinking together
than he will with all his finery.
GUTIERRE:: Shut up, idiot, you drive me insane;
time will tell.
GONZALO:: Yes, we shall see.
Action speaks louder than words.
GUTIERRE:: Does our uncle know we have arrived?
GONZALO:: He is annoyed we did not stop at his house.
GUTIERRE:: We’ll tell him we arrived so late
and so muddy from the roads,
that was the reason
I sent a page to my sister.
GONZALO: (Aside.): I’d send my soul to her,
she who banishes all of life’s sorrows.
GUTIERRE:: Has our uncle returned to his house
from his post at the war?
TADEO:: I’ll go out exploring, and while I’m at it,
go for a little wander down that street.
GUTIERRE:: Go now.
TADEO:: Take heart, Sir;
for in the competition I expect
you’ll have to fight like the Cid.
GUTIERRE:: I will give all the ladies in Madrid my love.
GONZALO:: And I’ll give them money.; End of Scene One

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