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• Pulped : ACT TWO , ACT TWO, excerpt 2

Pulped, translated by Gwendolen MacKeith

ACT TWO

Context:

This is a recognisably chauvinistic conversation between the two men at the office, JOSÉ and RICARDO, which takes a turn in the direction of the absurd.

Sample text

The stage is the same as in the first act. Two beds. Both telephones. A platform. The two tables, each with a chair. As the lights come up Ricardo is sitting at one of the tables. A chair with papers in front of him which he is stamping at great speed; next to Ricardo, but below the platform, is José, both are wearing hats. José has various bits of paper in his hands and is handing them to Ricardo for him to stamp.

JOSÉ:

So Saturday, you went out with the blonde again, eh?

RICARDO:

Er … no it wasn’t Saturday!

JOSÉ:

Er … yes it was Saturday!

RICARDO:

Take off your hat Joey …

JOSÉ:

No … it’s just that … (He looks into the distance, waiting for someone.) … she must be nearly here … (He looks at him.) Why don’t you take your hat off Ricardo?

RICARDO: (Stamping papers.)

Because I’m scared.

JOSÉ: (Surprised.)

Why?

RICARDO:

Because I’m scared.

JOSÉ: (Looks at him. Pauses.)

Good morning, Mr Manager!

(He takes off his hat to greet him.)

RICARDO: (As a reflex.)

Good mor … (He is about to take off his hat, but he realises.) Hey, are you having me on? Listen, I’m the Head of the Archive section now. Bah, take no notice Joey! I’ll be the same plain old bloke I’ve always been to you! (He goes on stamping papers.)

JOSÉ: (Looks at him. Short pause.)

Then, you really are scared?

RICARDO:

Yes.

JOSÉ:

Why?

RICARDO:

Because of the blonde. I don’t think I’ll ever dare take my hat off again because of her.

JOSÉ:

Oh, sure, they’re all crazy, women. (In a high pitch. Dissonant.)

RICARDO:

Crazy all of them, Joey, all crazy! (Worried.) Tell me: what have I got underneath? (RICARDO leans towards JOSÉ.)

JOSÉ:

Underneath what?

RICARDO:

My hat.

JOSÉ: (Looks.)

Hair.

RICARDO:

Are you sure I’ve got hair?

JOSÉ:

I’m sure.

RICARDO:

Thank god! (Stamps. Normal.) Take off your hat, Joey.

JOSÉ: (Looks into the distance, waiting.)

No, no she must be just about to get here … (Looks at him.) What happened with the blonde?

RICARDO: (Looks at him.)

Now you I can tell. We’re as good as brothers. We’ve always talked a lot. There’s nothing we haven’t confided in one another. There are no secrets between us. We’re two complicated guys who’ve come to know each other back to front!

JOSÉ:

What happened with the blonde?

RICARDO:

On Saturday I took her to a hotel …

JOSÉ:

And they mugged you!

RICARDO:

Who?

JOSÉ:

The muggers!

RICARDO:

No!

JOSÉ:

Then what is it you’re afraid of?

RICARDO:

Of taking off my hat, Joey! (Pauses. Looks at him.) You know what, Joey, I think she doesn’t exist.

JOSÉ:

Who?

RICARDO:

The blonde.

JOSÉ: (Normal.)

Ah. So who did you go out with on Saturday? (Teasing.) Don’t tell me you went out with the old girl?

RICARDO:

With the blonde, Joey! I went out with the blonde, but I don’t think she exists! You hear me?

JOSÉ:

Ah! Now I get it! (Normal tone of voice.)

RICARDO:

Because as soon as we were alone in the hotel room, I took off her hat, see … and I started to stroke that crazy woman’s lovely blonde hair … and I ended up with a wig in my hand, Joey! She was a brunette, see! And seeing as I don’t have any prejudices, I started stroking that lovely black hair which had sprung out … And I ended up with a wig in my hand, Joey. She was bald, for fuck’s sake Joey, bald! Then I got angry. I grabbed her by the head to shake her to a pulp, like this … (Shakes his hands.) … and I was left with her head in my hand! That seemed really weird to me! So I shook her two arms to demand a decent explanation, right!

JOSÉ:

And I was left with the two arms!

RICARDO:

And I ended up with the two arms, Joey! Then I ended up with the legs, the belly button and the armpits … even the knickers were fake! In the end all that was left was sugar coating … ! Can you believe it, Joey? The blonde was just sugar coating! (JOSÉ looks at him.) I had two options, right? I don’t like sugar-coated sweets. Because they rot your teeth, you know what I mean? Do you like them?

JOSÉ:

No. Because they rot your teeth.

RICARDO:

Of course they do. So, I grabbed all the different bits and pieces, I put her back together again, and took her to bed. But I went to bed with my hat on. Because that way … (He leans towards JOSÉ.) Are you sure there’s hair underneath?

JOSÉ:

I’m sure.

RICARDO: (Happy.)

That’s all I need to know. (Laughs.) Of course I couldn’t be sugar coated, no way! (He looks at him.) I couldn’t, could I?

JOSÉ:

Hey, are you having me on?

RICARDO: (He shakes him, terrified.)

I can’t just be sugar coating, can I!

JOSÉ:

No.

RICARDO:

Because a sugar-coated sweet can’t be the head of Archives, can it!

JOSÉ:

No.

RICARDO: (Stamping. Normal.)

Take off your hat Joey …

JOSÉ: (Looking into the distance.)

No, you know I can’t … she’s about to arrive …

RICARDO:

What time is it?

JOSÉ: (Paces up and down looking at his watch uneasily.)

It’s nine … and she said eight thirty …

RICARDO:

All women are mad, Joey! (Discordant.)

JOSÉ: (Loud/ emphatically.)

Mad, the lot of them!

RICARDO:

What about you, who did you go out with on Saturday? Don’t tell me you went out with the old battleaxe, eh?

JOSÉ:

Are you mad? A lovely neighbour friend of mine, you know … Lives opposite … and through my bedroom window, I saw her get undressed every night … At first I thought she hadn’t realised … but this morning, in the street, she asked me if I liked the colour of her petticoat!

RICARDO: (Laughing.)

No!

JOSÉ: (Laughing.)

Yes!

RICARDO:

So you’ve got your own tale to tell, Joey!

JOSÉ: (In the know.)

So … Saturday!

RICARDO:

Yes, Saturday! Oh God, it’s past twelve! The blonde’s waiting to have lunch with me, and I want to buy her a gift! (Exits quickly.)

JOSÉ: (Looking at his watch.)

Yes, it’s after nine … and she said eight thirty …

(He goes to his room. Leaves his hat on the bed. Looks around the room.)

JOSÉ:

Why on earth couldn’t this room have just one tiny window? At the end of the day one’s a man, not a cockroach, right! At the very least he needs a window! In this place you’ve got no idea what’s going on! (He combs his hair in front of an imaginary mirror.) I had better hurry. She said eight thirty … and travelling on Saturdays is a nightmare! This bloody day …!

(María enters her room and finishes getting ready before an imaginary mirror.)

VOICE OF MARÍA’S MOTHER: (Off.)

Marquita, do you mind bringing me my pills!

MARÍA:

Just coming mum, just coming

JOSÉ: (In his room, combing his hair.)

I’m just coming mum, just coming.

(MARÍA goes towards the front of stage left. JOSÉ exits.)

MARÍA: (Waiting. Looks at her watch.)

I thought he said eight … I can’t even remember what we talked about. Ah well, maybe it’s better if he doesn’t come. (Tense, looking ahead.) I think he just got off the …! No. That couldn’t be him. Señor José is a lot shorter!

She says this almost contemptuously, almost vindictive. A loud sound from the street. She pauses. She grows in stature, as if she were suddenly transformed into the young woman she was years ago. Everything about her glows in a certain rare way, unrepeatable in time. She hums gently.

Copyright

The above sample taken from the translation Pulped by Gwendolen MacKeith is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

ACT TWO, excerpt 2

Context:

This is the ending of the play when MARÍA and JOSÉ finally come together.

Sample text

JOSÉ:

Señorita María …

MARÍA:

Señor José!

JOSÉ:

About tomorrow morning … perhaps it would be better … if we left it, eh?

MARÍA:

Yes, much better.

JOSÉ:

I … I’ve got too used by now to living alone …

MARÍA:

Same here!

JOSÉ:

When you’re unattached, you know, you can do whatever you want!

MARÍA:

Oh yes, it’s wonderful to be free!

JOSÉ:

To be able to travel, for instance … wherever it takes your fancy …

MARÍA:

To Africa, Europe, the lagoon of Mar Chiquita … How could you give up all that?

JOSÉ:

I’m so glad you understand! Besides, on Saturdays … forgive me being frank … but one has one’s lady friends to see!

MARÍA:

At my age you can’t live your life just for one man alone! One Saturday with Felipe … another with Esteban … ! Freedom, señor José!

JOSÉ:

Freedom, señorita María!

MARÍA: (She goes to shake his hand, smiling.)

Goodbye, then!

JOSÉ:

Goodbye!

MARÍA:

I’m just coming, Mum!

(She exits to the left. José sees her leave. Then he turns and tiptoes towards the centre of the stage. He stops there.)

JOSÉ:

What a lucky escape that one was! Just wait till I tell Ricardo! That was one lucky escape! It always happens to me every single bloody one of these Saturdays!

(José is now in his bedroom. Only the lights on in his bedroom remain. Pause.)

JOSÉ:

These bloody, bloody Saturdays! I’ve got no idea why I called her! What will we talk about? I’m the mother of all fools! (Goes towards his bed.) No, no I’m not going to be made a fool of. What if someone sees me in the street with her! That’s all I need! (Goes quickly towards the bed, sits, picks up the telephone.) I’ll tell her that Mum isn’t well!

(Dials a number. In the darkness the phone rings in MARÍA’s room, but no one answers. He hangs on, but no one picks up.)

JOSÉ:

I don’t understand … She must be in!

(He keeps on calling. The phone rings in MARÍA’s room but there’s no answer.)

JOSÉ:

She must have been there! This isn’t possible!

(Distressed, now, he dials again. No answer. He shakes the receiver.)

JOSÉ:

Operator! Operator! She must be there!

(He gets to his feet and shouts towards MARÍA’s bedroom.)

JOSÉ:

María … ! María! Please, María … ! You must be there, María! I’m alone! I only ever had my mother, and she died five years ago! María … please … I’m begging you! (He moves towards the middle.) Please, María … !

(Lights come up on the left side of the stage. MARÍA is there waiting. They look at each other, move towards one another.)

MARÍA:

I thought that …

JOSÉ:

My God, I thought you wouldn’t come!

MARÍA:

And I thought you’d been and gone, señor José! Forgive me for being late, but I passed by the church on my way, see …! I don’t know why, I had to pass by. You know, my mother died five years ago … and I wanted … (She stops herself. They look at each other intensely.)

JOSÉ:

I’m alone, you see señorita María.

MARÍA:

Yes, me too, señor José.

JOSÉ:

I say, what’s to be done with two people like us?

MARÍA:

I don’t know. Maybe nothing at all … But who could say! (Shivering.)

JOSÉ:

Are you cold, señorita María?

MARÍA:

A little. But it doesn’t matter! I like walking in Buenos Aires! I was born here … and here I will die …

JOSÉ:

But for now we’re alive, right?

MARÍA:

Yes, I think so. Look, it’s raining! Saturdays are hellish in Buenos Aires, don’t you think?

JOSÉ:

Ah, yes … they’re hellish, Saturdays!

And both remain tentatively in the middle of the stage, protecting themselves from the rain. JOSÉ puts his arm around MARÍA’s shoulder to shelter her, still more. Lights are just on the two of them. And the curtain comes down slowly.

Copyright

The above sample taken from the translation Pulped by Gwendolen MacKeith is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Entry written by Gwendolen Mackeith. Last updated on 5 October 2010.

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